I wish that I could just learn to eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full

Last night I had an emotional breakdown

And I binged :(
I had a blizzard from DQ, a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bueno, and an order of cinnasnacks and an order of cheesecake bites from sonic, on top of regular food for the day.
I just feel like the gym workout and yoga I did was pointless and today I feel shitty and ugh. I’ve gotta stop this :(

Sunday Things

  • Today I ran and did yoga and I feel great
  • It’s almost overcoming my sadness of being back at school :p
Today I ate this cookie, and it’s 9:53 pm and I have so far avoided a binge. Also, I signed up at the gym yesterday (leg day) and today I ran 1.5 miles!!

This is where I finally admit it: I’m having issues with the fact that I moved to a college 2 hours from home.

Yes, I’m that one kid. The one that comes home from college every weekend to spend time with my mom and my old friends. I’m the one that isn’t enjoying herself whatsoever in her new “home”. I’m the one that hate’s Sundays, because that means going back.

Let me clarify - school isn’t the problem. I expected the classes, the studying, the difficulty level, and the stress. These are things I’m used to, and things I can handle. What I didn’t expect was the feeling that uni gives me. 

My dad died less than 6 months ago, and I had a miraculously short grieving time, simply due to my surroundings. I was content, I had lots of exciting things to look forward to, I had a great group of friends; I had everything I needed to quickly cope and see the beauty in life. I was in a fantastic mental state come August.

When I moved off to college, it all went downhill. I hate it. I am absolutely miserable, even when hanging out with the friends that I’ve made. I don’t feel as if I’m in the right place. I know that there is so much that I left at home, and it needs to be dealt with. This is where I need to be.

Issues with this include losing some scholarships, AKA my full ride and then some. I’ll have to get a job. I’ll have to live at home until said job makes me enough money and a steady income to afford different living situations. I might come home and realize I’m just as miserable here (but wouldn’t I rather be miserable with the people I love and in a familiar place??).

So this is my dilemma. I know that I want to come home. I basically know that I am coming home. It’s just a huge change and a shit ton of stress. And disappointment, in myself, for not enjoying what I was given and essentially “giving up”.

Breakfast even though I ate too much last night is success
Today, some friends came up from a nearby college to hang, and I was just full of anxiety the whole time, not to mention I had a headache. We smoked weed, which made me feel better a bit, and now I’m in my dorm chillin’ alone with a turkey & cheese sandwich and cheetos, which isn’t the healthiest thing I could be eating, but it’s better than I have been doing.